Here We Go Again, Star Wars Edition

In life, some things are forgivable.

Some things are not.

When I heard Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford will all likely appear in George Lucas’ newest Star Wars films, I was immediately excited in the way only a 10-year-old seeing “Return of the Jedi” in a theater for the first time (ahem myself in 1997) could be.

High-quality film still.*

But then, a knot immediately formed in my stomach.

As I recalled the most recent travesties of this franchise — Episodes I, II and III, as I’m only including theatrically released Star Wars films here — the knot grew even larger.

I mean, really. Let’s start with the obvious: “The Phantom Menace.” What kind of a name is that, Mr. Lucas? Also. Did you forget you had actual “actors” (see what I did there with the quotes? don’t get me wrong some were great but really) working, and abandon them almost entirely for CGI? And really — Jar Jar Binks??

But before I get too ahead of myself, allow me to revisit some other, ahem, shortcomings within Mr. Lucas’ fantasy world.

The original Star Wars films were — I’m going to go ahead and say it, critics be damned — perfect. The chemistry between the dream trio (Hamill-Fisher-Ford) was amazing, and I’m not even talking about the creepy incestuous chemistry, I mean just their simple presence on the screen together. Brilliant. And let’s consider the other characters, as well.

There was the delightfully new-age odd couple.

“I certainly do not think this is a good idea.” “Beep bleep bleep beep beep beep.”

The wise mentor—hot-headed student relationship.

There is no try.

And let’s face it: the films were home to the original, and best, bromance around.

TOTES BIFFLES 4EVS

Cheesy special effects be damned, Episodes IV, V and VI were brilliant.

And then they were re-released. And re-re-released. And … Well, you get my point.

Every time the films were sent out into the world for the media consumption of the masses, my dear Mr. Lucas jumped on board the opportunity bandwagon. From minor changes, like adding a noise of deceleration when the Falcon comes out of hyperspace, all the way up to one of the biggest offenders in the Vader “NOOOOO” (see video above), liberties were taken. Scenes were altered. Perfection was changed.

With that change, the masses cried out. I can only imagine there were some rumblings of unhappiness with changes made to the 1981 release, but I really heard it with the 1997 release of the trilogy. Mr. Lucas had a $10 million budget to rework perfection, and boy, did he use it — but something tells me he was, at least, temporarily drawn to the dark side while in the editing bay.

Hah hah sorry bro you’re dead but whatevs, Tarkin, so it goes.

Then, inexplicably, it got worse.

This brings us, of course, to “The Phantom Menace.” While I will do my best to describe my feelings about Episodes I, II and III here, I think John Hodgman did a really excellent job of describing it during a 2003 episode of my Bible This American Life.

Anyway.

As you may recall, the first three installments of Star Wars focus on the early life of Anakin Skywalker: a resident of Tatooine who has an unbelievably high count of midi-chlorians (possibly responsible for his birth; GEORGE LUCAS YOU ARE RIPPING OFF THE BIBLE MY FRIEND).

And, as you also may recall, he turns into Darth Vader, a creepy creepy guy made up of mostly machines but with a disturbing head that is a whiter shade of pale covered in scars following an almost Freudian battle with his longtime do-gooder mentor that ended in a molten pit.

“Luke. I am your father. Gee, my therapist told me to just say it already, and she was right … I feel so much better! Mmk ttyl.”

Yeah. Heavy stuff, man.

Going into it, I thought Episodes I, II and III would be brilliant. I expected cinematic masterpieces that would win Oscars and become classics as their original brethren had. Gosh I was wrong.

There were definitely some cool parts, like finally seeing, on the big screen, the beginnings of the Clone Wars. And let’s face it — while it was totally overplayed, some of the CGI resulted in cool things, like battle droids.

My STAP is bigger than your STAP.

And podracers, because those were just freaking awesome.

But the movies lacked many things, like solid acting …

“You’re my only hope…”

And the badass/adorable character factors that were readily apparent in the originals.

AHHHH!!!

Awwww!!!!!

What the first three films more than made up for in neat tricks, they seriously lacked in characters. I mean, jeez, Obi-Wan, Yoda and Anakin care enough to show up in “Return of the Jedi” in Force-ghost form. The first episodes’ characters certainly lack the conviction of these bros.

Oh haaaayyyy Ewok village, we’re only a little dead.

I mean, Dark Luke might have been a little cray/too serious to take seriously, but he tried! So hard!

Angry, slightly bitter Luke.

And really, he didn’t have the easiest time getting to where he is today.

RAWR.

The newest films also lacked a true protagonist in the form of a cause: the rebellion.

Ouch, that one hurt.

Possibly THE most compelling thing about the original films was the plotline of the rebels breaking away from the empire — going off on their own to create a society of freedom and equality. Who does that appeal to? Everyone! The newest additions to the saga don’t capture this feeling like the originals did. Although I really really did like the line, “So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause.”

And as if he learned nothing — nothing — from all these follies, the good Mr. Lucas again muddled things up in September 2011 with the Blu-ray edition of all the movies.

It was, I think, the only time I have ever agreed with Adolf Hitler.

You can now see why that ever-growing knot first lodged itself in my stomach and continues to thrive there. I am worried. And not worried like Chewbacca playing Dejarik, because really he knows he can just overturn the board and give a beat-down to anyone who actually tries to win.

Seriously, just let the Wookiee win.

So, here it is: an earnest plea to Mr. Lucas.

Please, good sir, do not fuck this one up. Do not become too enamored with special effects made by a computer. Do not create kitschy characters that no one likes. Do not get wrapped up in marketing a product that, done right, will market itself.

Mr. Lucas: Listen to him, you must. Wise, he is.

In short, Mr. Lucas: back to your roots, you must go.

*Not really.